The ‘I’ as Peacemaker

The adjective ‘I’ is defined as “used of a single unit or thing; not two or more”.  Don’t we all love the word ‘I’?  It stands for uniqueness.  In the first marriage the first ‘I’ was united with another ‘I’ to live in permanent union as ‘we’.  The single ‘I’ is very important, but then so is the one that joins it.  Centuries of marriage have passed, but the ‘me’ factor seems to reigns supreme in the relationship.

I remember just before my wedding, in the dating days how much in blind love, I was.  Deep and sacrificial love it was my friends.  My would-be Priya became a treasure I longed to make as my own.  I would sacrifice time, money, desire, want and at times, even my own needs so she could be happy.  The focus of my existence was the other “I”   

Then we got married and the selfish ‘I’ submerged beneath the layers of love surfaced and started the war between us.  As we fought over trivial matters, we aimed to make our own singular ‘I’ win.  Soon we were asking ourselves what happened to loving harmony?  The selfish ‘I’ dominance resulted in efforts to change the other.   We underwent tumultuous times, used words slingshot for impact, hurled fire balls of blame, used savage expressions for power, indulged in volatile explosions for control, slunk by pain we presented the past with generalization and so on and so forth.  The Battle of Marriage waged on.  As we interacted with many experienced couples, we were stunned to realize that only a few lived without these ‘no-reason-never-stop’ fights.

Sometimes I took a beating, but many a time I managed to win this battle. But even in the victory, I realized when either one of us won; the ‘we’ lost.  Harmony was the casualty.  Hesitant to change ourselves, we persist in changing someone else.  I remember exchanging the “I” for ‘you’ when I wanted to change, accuse, torment or hurt her.  The progress from the use of “I” to ‘you’ made us powerful antagonists.  

Our conversation often went like this:

‘You don’t understand; you never do!’

‘You need to change the way you do this, before telling me’

‘You never listen!’

Then God evidently displeased with our lifestyle, gave us an opportunity to attend an international Marriage Course in our church (KMC).  The times spent there along with the exercises and change agents put us on a track to lead a meaningful life.

From this course, I learnt that  “I” has always been the reason for all the trouble, whereas it is ‘I’ that needs to be the peacemaker and peacekeeper?  But then how can “I” show me a way to reduce the battles in our life?

I started using ‘I’ while focusing on a problem.  It took me a while to get used to it, but the results amazed both of us!  The use of ‘I’ in our conversation enabled us to control our words and thoughts.  It caused each of us to think enough to present our side of the problem clearly, without attacking the other.  The conversation changed into an invitation to address the other’s feelings.

I said ‘I feel lonely, when you just forget me and watch TV’.  Immediately, the TV is switched off and we are having one swell of a time together, playing scrabble or carrom!

I said ‘I would feel really happy to see you in that outfit when we go out today’ and bingo, she wore it!

She said ‘I feel belittled when you compare me with other girls you know’ and I put a full stop to it.  

She said ‘I feel neglected when you spend your evening with your friends’. That stopped too.

Such is the wonder of ‘I’ in communication.  When used incorrectly, it damages and harms, but when used responsibly, it builds up the relationship and the results will really surprise you!  We have been there and though I cannot say, ‘we don’t quarrel’, we focus on the better half and reminder ourselves of how much we love each other.  The usage of ‘I’ has created a healthy relationship that seeks to build constantly with pure love.

Go on; try it out and May you find it a real blessing in your life.

Ashley Chris Vinil J P

Published in Family Ethos magazine 2008